Faded

Sometimes he would sit with his eyes closed and try to will himself into the darkness.
"Take me.."
At first he'd relax and just concentrate on it's depth, it's seeming vastness.
Somehow it would get darker, very dark, but it wouldn't be enough. He was still here. He could faintly feel the world around him.

Still.

He'd try to let it go, drift away from it.
"Take me..."
It wouldn't happen.
He'd get angry and squeeze his eyes shut even tighter. Faint colors and the dark would dance.
"Take. Me."
He mentally push, shove, pull....anything.....the dark....

TAKE

ME

Finally he'd give up.
He cried less and less afterward.
He'd stare through the ceiling.
Sleep would not come, not fast enough anyway.
The darkness wouldn't accept him.

How many more days?

How many more hollow, lost, lonely.....

Hollow.

Hollow.

hollow

That's what it was....hollow....
Every day getting more and more hollow...
Staring off....through things...reaching....longing...aching for....

Something.

Hollow.

take me

Night and the solitude

It comes at night.
It comes when the world is quiet and I have no distractions.
It's as if it's been waiting for me, stalking me all day, hiding just out of sight. Somewhere in the peripheral is where it dwells.
I can feel it.
Somewhere.
Within.
Without.
Both.

Every night it overtakes me.
I can fight it during the day.
Most of the time.....
But at night.....

At night it's upon me and it..
It smothers me.
It breaks me.
It weakens me.
I feel so weak.
SO goddamn weak.
Tired.
Despair.
I've prayed for weeks.
Begged a God I fear doesn't exists....
Please.
I don't want to wake up tomorrow.
Please......
anyone
anything
Please don't let me wake up.
I just want to go to sleep and NOT wake up.
Please?
I beg you.
I'm in therapy. I talk to a couple of friends. I do sometimes. When I dont feel like I'm bothering them. They all say this won't last. They don't know though. They don't feel this.
This......
I hang on.
Just a little longer I keep thinking. Not much longer and I'll figure out what this is. Why it is. Where it comes from. How to stop it.
It's hard though.
God...
Every night....
Every fucking day....
Life isn't short. I count the days. Sometimes hours take so long. SO fucking long.
I lay there and sleep won't come. The sleep I desperately want to embrace me. Make me forget. Take me. I lay there and wait....
another day..
Another fucking day.
One more that I'll have to get through.
Fake smile. Fake laugh.
Pretend.
Try and forget this....
It works for awhile, but then it comes at night and I can't fight it any longer.
I'm here.
I'm hanging on, but I truly don't know how much longer I can take this.

How long will this go on?
Days?
Months?
years?
I'm starting not to care.
I'm starting to see the appeal of going numb.

I didn't used to be this way.
What went wrong?
What happened?

I fear that one day.....

Please don't let me wake up tomorrow.
Please?
I dont want this anymore.
IF I wake...I'll hang on for one more day....I guess I'll have to right?
Right?

I dont know who to pray to...
GOD wont do this.

Therapy is on Thursday and it's so far away....
SO fucking far away...
Eternity....
Like this....

Please dont let me wake up.