Night and the solitude

It comes at night.
It comes when the world is quiet and I have no distractions.
It's as if it's been waiting for me, stalking me all day, hiding just out of sight. Somewhere in the peripheral is where it dwells.
I can feel it.
Somewhere.
Within.
Without.
Both.

Every night it overtakes me.
I can fight it during the day.
Most of the time.....
But at night.....

At night it's upon me and it..
It smothers me.
It breaks me.
It weakens me.
I feel so weak.
SO goddamn weak.
Tired.
Despair.
I've prayed for weeks.
Begged a God I fear doesn't exists....
Please.
I don't want to wake up tomorrow.
Please......
anyone
anything
Please don't let me wake up.
I just want to go to sleep and NOT wake up.
Please?
I beg you.
I'm in therapy. I talk to a couple of friends. I do sometimes. When I dont feel like I'm bothering them. They all say this won't last. They don't know though. They don't feel this.
This......
I hang on.
Just a little longer I keep thinking. Not much longer and I'll figure out what this is. Why it is. Where it comes from. How to stop it.
It's hard though.
God...
Every night....
Every fucking day....
Life isn't short. I count the days. Sometimes hours take so long. SO fucking long.
I lay there and sleep won't come. The sleep I desperately want to embrace me. Make me forget. Take me. I lay there and wait....
another day..
Another fucking day.
One more that I'll have to get through.
Fake smile. Fake laugh.
Pretend.
Try and forget this....
It works for awhile, but then it comes at night and I can't fight it any longer.
I'm here.
I'm hanging on, but I truly don't know how much longer I can take this.

How long will this go on?
Days?
Months?
years?
I'm starting not to care.
I'm starting to see the appeal of going numb.

I didn't used to be this way.
What went wrong?
What happened?

I fear that one day.....

Please don't let me wake up tomorrow.
Please?
I dont want this anymore.
IF I wake...I'll hang on for one more day....I guess I'll have to right?
Right?

I dont know who to pray to...
GOD wont do this.

Therapy is on Thursday and it's so far away....
SO fucking far away...
Eternity....
Like this....

Please dont let me wake up.